Weary, Weary, Eyes So Bleary

Everyone has been asking for the past few weeks, "How is Charlotte doing?" "How is she sleeping?" Natural questions, I suppose, but a bit hard to answer completely honestly. I generally respond, "Well, for a newborn." She wakes up at night to eat (her pediatrician observed that she probably "never refuses a meal") once or twice, depending on when you start the time period of "night." She doesn't often stay awake long after eating, allowing us to get to sleep again soon. That's typically how it goes. I've stayed up a couple of times for an hour or more with her but it's not been bad. Marce was up with her a few nights ago and then couldn't get back to sleep for three hours, while Charlotte slept just fine. She's pretty easygoing if she has a bottle and someone to hold her!
With my mom here this week, it has been somewhat useful having another set of arms and a couple of extra ideas. Mom thought a pacifier might be helpful because Charlotte just seemed to want to suck. My other girls nursed, and they all found a finger or thumb. Well, Marissa didn't stick with it as surely as Brianna or Cami. But they never took pacifiers. So I hadn't seriously considered one for Charlotte -- or at least, not seriously enough to put it on my shopping list. Last night, it went on the list, and I was tempted to just run out and get it at 9 p.m. Mom said, "Oh, no, it's not THAT urgent." Why did I listen to her? Why why why? I should have run out.
Today I went to the store and bought two pacifiers. That was after a long night of a little restless baby keeping me up until 1 a.m. She just would not stay asleep. This afternoon, after lunch and a little diaper change and some hanging out, she was ready for the test. Hey, she likes it! She likes it! Nap achieved, Mommy relieved.
I haven't had a night like that yet, so I suppose it's only fair it happen once, at least. Marce and I trade off nights, since neither of us is breast feeding! I like that part of it. I'm not always on call for milk. But there's a certain desperation that sets in in the dark of the night when the house is all quiet and asleep and a little, tiny, restless being that can't even talk is keeping you from the sleep that your body feels it has never had. I was up and down, trying different options to see if she'd go to sleep. And finally, it happened. At that point, I lay down and was restless myself for half an hour before I finally succumbed to a light night (during which I was awakened for feeding again at 4 a.m.) of dreaming about being up late. Horrible irony.
*On another note altogether, I do realize that many of you are wondering how in the world you didn't know about this new baby any earlier. I can only say, it surprises me a bit myself. It's not in character. The only explanation I can offer is that I have been (and still am) living in a bit of fear that it would all collapse. The birth mom signed off and that's all OK. But the birth father has been another issue. As far as I can tell (not being able to talk to my attorney for the past two weeks), it sounds like it's going to be OK, but one can never be sure. Nothing in life is sure, of course, and I know that perfectly well, but when something is so important, it is that much more scary. I was nervous for the month and a half before she was born about saying anything, really, lest I should jinx it somehow, and be emotionally a mess and financially a ruin. I then worried about being able to leave NC, then about the birth mom's time being up to change her mind (long past now). Now it's just the birth father. Not a completely done deal yet. I know about odds, and about how things "usually" go. That said, when I was pregnant with Marissa, and the AFP blood test indicated she had a 1 in 80 chance of having Down syndrome, I was assured by many people and clinicians that it was really just a small chance. I knew better, however. When the ultrasound and amniocentesis confirmed that she was the 1 in 80, I knew the odds were nothing. This may sound like pessimism, but it was simply that I KNEW. I then came to terms with it, and now it's all fine and dandy. And she is just a great gift to have in our family. No big deal, really. But then the "odds" made me kind of laugh. Anyway, you (most of you) know I'm generally optimistic and cheery and mostly faithful and hopeful. But my cautious and worried side came out in full force with this baby, and combined with it being a COMPLETELY different and new experience in our world of adding children to our family, I didn't say much. But don't expect me to stay mute for long. That's just not my style, natch! So please don't be offended that I didn't tell you. I didn't tell anyone. I hardly told myself! :) But now you will hear lots. And if something, by some wild, long shot, should go wrong at this point (very unlikely), I guess I'll have lots of support, won't I?